Diana Bee Dash Bee Tries Really Hard

Uh, so, this happened. WARNING: I recommend that you don’t read the original article on a full stomach. Or while holding a firearm or machete. Or if you have a history of depression.

Here’s a short summary of the highlights.

• DO: evaluate yourself through what you buy, plan to buy, and are seen buying! This is really one of the main things you should use to define your worth as a person.
  

  Photo credit Amanda B.

• DO: be heterosexual. (Why on earth would you have a nice outfit if the *woman* of your dreams wants to see you in an hour?)
• DO: think of your life only as a series of stories to narrate to others for attention and externally derived approval.
• DO be really passive-aggressive in bed instead of using direct communication. Really – everyone thinks this is HOT, and this matters much more than what actually gets you hot.
• DO: conflate the importance of geopolitical knowledge with the importance of knowing someone who can alter your LBD. Both of these things are of exactly equal importance.
• DON’T: be poor. (Ewwwwwww did you know poor people can’t afford lotion specifically for their faces? OMG LOL so gross! Also, if you believe “you deserve it,” you won’t have to be poor because poverty has nothing to do with socioeconomic injustice!)
• DON’T: tie your sense of self-worth to pesky things like values and behaviors. Instead go for money and husbands. Everyone knows that the girl with the most handbags and a diamond on her hand wins!
• DON’T: think of life as meaningful at every age. Concentrate on benchmarks like 30 so that you have reasons to worry if you’re getting life right. Then, when you are concerned that you aren’t, buy things (see: “you deserve it”).
• DON’T: be non-gender-normative. I heard that some lesbians [whispers] don’t even wear makeup.

I think all that can really be said in conclusion is, “Some of my best friends are women.”

Additional dos and don’ts welcome.